Jim’s Rant For The Day – You Are Creating Most Of The Events In Your Life.

(This is for Addison.)

I explained to you that when I was 22 years old I was diagnosed with a rare genetic eye disease called Keratoconus. All that doctors knew about it was the eyes were bulging out of the eye sockets, changing the surface shape and would eventually pop like the screen on a window being bent to open up and expand opening a hole. The hole would release the eye fluid leaving me blind in both eyes.

I shared that all the doctors could do was put me into the new hard contact lenses that would force my eye back down. But in the process they would continually cut into my lumpy irregular shaped eyes. After ten years I was ready for the new experimental corneal graft surgery being developed for this. I had one done on each eye that carried me another ten years. After that ten years the eyes were again becoming dangerously close to blindness. There was no history of someone having cornea grafts on old cornea grafts. I was sent to the Keraticonus Guru for a plan of operation. He said the eyes were equivalent to ground hamburger meat and my only choice was to roll the dice and shave off the old grafts and add two more graft buttons. But I had one problem standing in the way. The eyes needed oxygen but couldn't get it while wearing contacts. The oxygen was needed to strengthen the eye tissue for the surgery.

His idea was to hang a contact that did not fit me so that it lifted up at the bottom allowing oxygen under it. I was to wear them one month on one eye and two months on the other. They were painful to wear. The first day I wore them I laid on the bed and stared at the bed quilt patterns for two hours with tears pouring in reaction. A week later I was functioning but still hurting about every third time I blinked. I was still cutting the eyes but now also shredding the underside of my eye lids. But I was getting oxygen to the eyes.

Sorry I had to bore you with the details but now to my reason for sharing. I believe we all create the events in our lives. Most of us are not aware of this and just think shit just happens to us. I don’t believe that. I also believe I see things before they happen, as a clairvoyant.

Saturday morning I woke after a dream that I shared with my wife. I saw myself running the lawn mower over my foot. I had to cut the jungle so I cut it differently in some places so I would be safe. I even changed my usual tennis shoes for an old pair of boots. I started cutting the yard. I cut it differently and tripped backing up over a new piece of yard art my wife recently placed. In falling back I pulled the mower over my left foot. Betty drove me to the hospital.

While there I realized my vision was blurry. Without contacts I was legally blind but I was wearing my contacts so I was confused. I had the RN check my eyes and she said she saw the contacts in place properly. When the doctor treated me I told him of my concern that the lenses had slipped down below the lower eyelids. He looked and said they were both on my eyes correctly.

When I got home I pinched both eyes and discovered the contacts were gone and not under the eyelid. I realized when the mower got me I squinted hard and probably shot them off or they escaped with the tears. What the medical people saw was the rings of my cornea graft scars. Either way they were gone and it took a week to get another set. In time the two surgeries went more than perfectly. They rid me of the disease forever.

So here’s the question for myself that took me years to answer. If we create the events in our lives, how come I chose to cut off part of my toe?

My answer is my eyes were in terrible shape and although the new contacts were feeding them oxygen, they were butchering them at the same time. I needed a break from the lenses for the eyes to heal some. Thus I cut my toe and gave the eyes a week’s break to heal in other ways. This put my eyes in perfect condition for a perfect surgery. My body and my subconscious ordered that for me.

In fact, why would I order an eye disease for the matter? Well, in retrospect my disease and near blindness was the best thing that could have happened to me. It caused me to read every book I could get my hands on and continue another fifteen years in night school so I would be prepared to earn a living from my knowledge if blind. By the way, I never gave the blindness a second though and never believed I would end up blind. I just went on with life but more intensely.