Jim’s Rant For The Day. Keep Humping.

My apology for not posting a rant yesterday especially after all the breaking news. But let me explain why I was unable to.

When I first met my wife we had a great time dating. When we finally made love I discovered she liked to talk while having sex, so I joined in. She hollered out “Shut up and keep humping.” You just have to marry a girl like that so we married. Then I began noticing something peculiar about her. She would occasionally holler out “Shut up and keep humping” at strange times such as while cooking. Then I noticed when she hollered it she also raised her index finger to point up at the sky and pop it back like a plantation overseer’s whip.

To make a long story short I realized she deceived me, lied to me, by not telling me she had Tourette syndrome! On top of that she also is a misdirected workaholic. Oh she is indeed a workaholic but it is always me doing all the work!

We recently moved to a farm. Betty purchased a two room portable school house built to withstand a tornado. She paid $200 for it and had it moved to the farm for $3,000. We built in a kitchen and added a small bathroom and a large screened in Southern porch. The 1,000 sq. Ft. house was placed on piers.

We recently discovered the land here is not the typical Florida sand but is a hardpan clay unable to absorb water. Being on a slight hill storms are washing out the concrete piers. Yesterday I was moving in railroad ties by myself as a barrier and digging draining ditches in the mud to divert the runoff to drainage pipes. We expect another storm in two days. I went to the porch where she was rocking in the shade and told her that I needed to take a break and post a Rant. And she said . . . well, you know what she said.

I tell you, after all these years she at times sounds like a trained parrot - “Squak, Shut up and keep humping, SQUAAAK”!

I’m only serious.

P.S. I had to write this from memory. When I published it about six years ago one reader said “If your story weren't so sad and true for all of us men it would be funny.”