Jim’s Daily Rant. She Lied To Me.

When I met my wife I was recovering from a divorce and afraid to start dating. I was in a dry spell. My plan was to play hard to get forever. We both knew I was a goner the first time she winked at me. She’s owned me ever since the first time we slept together and I realized she liked to talk while having sex. I thought I was going to have a heart attack because she kept egging me on by hollering out ”Shut up and keep humping!” You just have to marry a gal like that so we ran off and married.

Several months later I began noticing peculiar things about her. In the kitchen she would just out of the blue shout out “Shut up and keep humping.” A few months later I noticed that when she said it her left index finger would point up to the sky (she’s a lefty) and would pop down and then pop back up, much like a Plantation Foreman’s whip.

To make a long story short, I realized she lied to me – She has Tourett Syndrome.

“Tourette (too-RET) syndrome is a disorder that involves repetitive movements or unwanted sounds (tics) that can't be easily controlled. For instance, you might repeatedly blink your eyes, shrug your shoulders or blurt out unusual sounds or offensive words. Source

It wasn’t my fault, she knew I was weak and took advantage of me. Guys, you know how it is the first time you see a girl neked; you don’t see much of anything else for a few months. And that’s not all. On top of that she’s a “Misguided workaholic”. She’s a workaholic but its always me doing all the work.

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We live near Pensacola, Florida, right on the Gulf of Mexico. She ran outside just to see what the temperature was. She ran back in and said “It’s below zero”. I went to look and the small temperature gauge that is over the our House Numbers “30021” had frozen and slipped off its small nail and fell behind a chest on our screened in front porch.

Since then that crazy lady has had me doing stupid things all over the farm because of the unusual snow. Every day she makes me wear my House Boy uniform, a Tee shirt, bathing suit and flip flops. She made me go out to the barn to check on the ferrel cat and the mice out there. Then I had to go out again to clear the snow off the surf boards.

She came in and told me more stupid things to do so I had to tell her that yesterday and today are the two days the world has been waiting years to see arrive and I had to write a lot of Rants today. Then she said what she always says . .. . well, you know.

After 40 years with my Baby I tell you, it’s like living with a Parrot. “Skuak, Shut up and keep humping. Squaaak.” I may have to wait until tomorrow to write again.